How is their relationship?

Because most domestic violence is perpetrated against women, the feminine pronoun is used below.

These same questions apply if your friend is a man.

Does your friend's partner:
• Embarrass her with put-downs?
• Look at her or act in ways that scare her?
• Control what she does, who she sees or talks to or where she goes?
• Stop her from seeing friends or family members?
• Take her money or Social Security check, make her ask for money or refuse to give her money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell her that she’s a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt her children?
• Prevent her from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s her fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy her property or threaten to kill her pets?
• Intimidate her with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove her, slap her, choke her, or hit her?
• Force her to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill her?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
she may be in an abusive relationship.

Adapted from the “Am I Being Abused” quiz, created by The National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org

How to Help Your Friend

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.

Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.

Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.

Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.

Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.

If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.

Help him or her to develop a safety plan - see our resources to the right and call our offices.

Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Our agency provides counseling and support groups in Jo Daviess and Carroll Counties. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, we can accompany her/him and you can offer to go along for moral support.

Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.

Created by the National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org

SAFETY PLAN GUIDE IS ON THE RESOURCES LIST TO THE RIGHT

A safety plan can help your friend stay safer even when she/he doesn't plan to leave and even if her/his abuser doesn't share a residence. If your friend is concerned, call our offices and share our safety plan guides. Do it for your friend. Do it for the safer life that she/he and the children deserve.

A safety plan is a tool to help protect yourself from abuse. This information can get the process started. To speak to someone about a personal plan that suits the situation, call Riverview Center at 815-777-3680.

The information comes from the collective experience of domestic violence shelters, police, prosecutors, and other battered women. A safety plan is a tool that has worked for others, and it can help your friend think about ways in which she/he can stay safer. After you’ve reviewed this information, you may want more help. Confidential, free service is available to you when you call us at 815-777-3680.

SAFETY PLAN GUIDE IS ON THE RESOURCES LIST TO THE RIGHT

These orders provide an individual with legal protection from another individual being near them or certain locations. Click on the Legal Resources link to the right for your state.

Technology is ever-changing, and it can be used to jeopardize your friend's safety or as a means to ensure her/his safety.

• Did you know that you can monitor someone’s computer use without the user knowing?

• Did you know that a “history” cannot be completely erased from a computer?

• Did you know that cell phone use can be monitored?

• Did you know that a global positioning system (GPS) can be placed on a car, in a purse or in a cell phone?

• Did you know the some court systems are placing court records online and that they may contain personal information?

• Did you know that e-mail is like a postcard and can be intercepted?

• Did you know that your friend can find a safe computer at www.ctcnet.org?

Technology is a powerful tool for someone leaving a domestic violence situation, and Advocates can help a caller, whether victim, friend or family member, plan to use all aspects of technology safely. For more information and support, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Want to talk about your concerns for your friend?

Curious about our services?

Call us.

The hotline is staffed by volunteers who have undergone a rigorous training program and background check to ensure that your conversation is informative and empathetic. Through our hotline you can learn about safety planning, emergency shelter, information regarding all medical and legal options, advocates to mediate between the survivor and medical and law enforcement personnel, service referrals and counseling.

Does she/he want to leave?

Housing issues making her/him feel like they must return?

Call us.

We arrange for and transport domestic violence survivors to safe temporary shelter.

If she/he wants to pursue legal action, we are here to help. Our legal advocates serve as liaisons between the survivor and the criminal justice system to ensure that the survivor’s rights are protected. An advocate can assist with orders of protection, accompany a survivor to a police interview, sustain contact with the investigator for case updates, and attend all meetings and court proceedings with law enforcement, the victim witness coordinator, and the prosecuting attorney’s office with, or on behalf of, the survivor.

An advocate is available 24-hours a day to mediate interaction between the survivor, emergency room personnel, and law enforcement. Our advocates concentrate on the best interests of the survivor, which includes providing information and listening to their needs, rather than asking questions and directing her/his behavior.

We provide case management for our clients, including referrals and information about other social services the survivor may need, accompanying the survivor to appointments with other agencies, and other services as needed. We also provide economic empowerment assistance, including, but not limited to, pre-employment and transitional skills needs.

See the "Economic Empowerment Links" information at right for additional resources.

Is your friend ready to talk? We are here. Our master degree clinicians provide trauma-level short and long-term individual and family counseling for adult victims and their children. We also have weekly support group sessions. Our counselors understand that each client’s social and cultural situation is unique. The survivor is regarded as the authority on what is best, and the counselor collaborates with her/him to determine what all of the viable options are. Our clients work to redefine themselves to reduce the effects of the trauma and to maximize their safety. Our offices have counselors specializing in child, adolescent, and adult therapy.

Riverview Center provides educational programming to tens of thousands of schoolchildren each year to help enact change in our cultural biases and assumptions, by addressing such topics as body safety, healthy versus unhealthy relationships, sexual harassment, sexting, gender stereotyping, bullying, cyberbullying, and Internet safety. But if our message does not reach parents, caregivers, and community leaders, not only do the adults not embrace our message, the information the children are learning could be contradicted in the home. To address this, we offer a variety of violence prevention presentations for adults in which we highlight positive role modeling and healthy parenting techniques, and strive to change attitudes and beliefs about gender roles, stereotypes, and violence in our society. We also provide the tools necessary to appropriately handle disclosures of abuse and recognize the possible physical and emotional consequences of being a survivor. Specialized training is also conducted for law enforcement, the prosecuting attorney’s office, and social service and medical personnel.

Please contact us if you would like to set up free programming.

Riverview Center is not the domestic violence service provider for Iowa: please contact the Dubuque Y or call us to learn more about their services.

Dubuque Y Domestic Violence Program:

“You Deserve a Life Free From Violence”

24-Hour Crisis Line: (563) 556-1100 • (800) 332-5899
Buchanan/Delaware Counties (563) 927-6646

PO Box 1301 , Dubuque , Iowa 52004-1301
(563) 588-0048
http://www.dubuquey.org/dv/index.cfm

The Dubuque Community Y Domestic Violence Program provides safe and confidential services as well as emergency shelter for abused women and their children. All services are free.

• Crisis Line: Our crises and information line is available 24 hours, 7 days a week. We are here to listen and help.
• Crisis Intervention
• Referrals for mental health needs
• Education on domestic violence and its impact on the victim, children, family and community
• Legal/Medical Advocacy – Program staff is available to act as an advocate for victims of abuse in medical situations, in emergency legal situations, during court proceedings, attorney meetings, and social service agency meetings.
• 24-Hour Emergency Shelter – The program provides shelter to women and their children who are leaving an abusive relationship. Shelter provides women and their children a safe place to stay while they try to rebuild their lives. Staff provides help with goal planning and offer referral sources to empower victims and help them regain control of their lives.

If you are someone you know is in a Domestic Violence Relationship, please call the Dubuque Community Y Domestic Violence Program.